The Broken Road
by DuchessMoonMoon13
Summary: The Post Traumatic Therapy Journal of Nymphadora Lupin. Follow her journey from her first Order meeting to the Final Battle, as she falls in love and loses people she holds dear, all the while finding herself. (Remus x Tonks) Disclaimer: Not JK Rowling, I don't own these people
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I know if you follow me as an author you're wondering if I'll ever get back to The Sands of Time, the answer is yes. When writers block for that story goes away I will. Until then, I'm feeding plot bunnies because my English Professor Aunt says write when it strikes, so I am. This goes out to all the Remus/Tonks fans. :)  
>This will update on Saturdays. Weekly.<br>This is my first shot at first person, so wish me luck and tell me how it reads.  
>Happy Reading!<strong>

**~Duchess**

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><p>There are many things in my past I can't remember to the detail I can the things I can recall about falling in love, about building the life I have now. I know now that I don't believe true love happens more than once, because all the times before I met <em>him<em> there were others I thought I loved, and in my naive thirst of companionship I chose to believe the way they were using me was love being returned. I was born with gifts, you see. Not like other witches and wizards. I'm what is called a Metamorphmagnus, which means I can look any way I wish, given that my mental and physical health are both in good enough shape. That's another thing I never knew until I actually, truly fell in love. But now I'm getting ahead of my story aren't I?

I'm not the only one writing one of these journals, putting my story to paper. Its been three years since the war. Four since my son was born. Things are good, but the nightmares, the flashbacks, they still haunt us all. The grief councilor at the Ministry, Shobe, they call her, she says to write these, and he insists it'll help. I don't know what good this will do, if one day I'll light this whole little purple book on fire or if I'll leave it to my child (children?). Can't be sure. But for now, I suppose we should start with the basics.

At the beginning of my story, my name was Nymphadora Tonks, and I hated it. 'Don't call me Nymphadora' was often the first thing people I met would hear upon my introduction. I went by Tonks, just Tonks. You'll do well to remember that, whoever you are, if you're reading this. Eventually it changes, but I suppose we will get to that part in good time. Where were we? Right. Tonks. My name, what it used to be.

So- we've established that. Moving on, I suppose. I guess we'll start my story with how I first got involved with any sort of rebellion in the war, because that's what we were- we were rebels, outside the law because the law was no longer the right. Civil disobedience in it's finest, really. There wasn't a formal set to us, not really. I had been a fully qualified Auror all of five minutes when Mad-Eye pulled me to the side. I exaggerate, of course, but I was quite the wild eyed rookie, I won't lie. Alastor Mad-Eye Moody was my idol, my hero, and my training officer. He pulled me to the side, handed me a tiny piece of paper with an address on it that I was to burn upon memorizing, and not breath a word of it to anyone. Oh, how I was excited. A secret mission with my hero, are you kidding? I was beside myself. Until I got to the bloody house.

Place was a mess, I can't even begin to describe. Clumsy as I've always been (and you'll see more of that later), I tried to stealthily enter the house but found both my feet twisted around such a horrid umbrella stand beside the front door, a troll foot taxidermy. It was grotesque, but I will tell you it matched the rest of the house. The hallway I found myself in had portraits hanging all around, of people who resembled my mother an uncomfortable amount. All of them, stark black hair, haunted, angry grey eyes. The crash I had caused had awoken the largest of the paintings, which it turned out was my Great-Aunt Walburga. Bloody hell, did she have a set of pipes for a painting. She let out these ear-piercing screeches about filth in the house and- really I don't remember. She insulted my blood and my father, called my mother a whore, normal pure blood slop, not important. What is important that Moody didn't warn me not to draw my wand on my cousin, Sirius, who as far as I knew was guilty of the murders he was on the run for at the time. Poor bloke came to shut his mother up and found himself nose to wand-tip with me. I may not be able to walk straight, but I can fight. I'll brag on that, because I should. I qualified for Auror young and quick, and while part of it is due to my ability to change my face, I could duel with the best of them.

Back to Sirius! He took a couple steps back, hands in the air in surrender. It then occurred to my I still happened to be in uniform (even with pink hair, I was an officer), so I was confused as to whether I should stun him or... I was dumbfounded as to what to say then. He looked nothing like the posters had us looking for. A bit of a burn-out rocker look really. He didn't say anything at first either, so it was a bit of a stale stand off until Mad-Eye hobbled in on the bloody loud false leg, graceless as ever. 'Put your wand down girl!' he barked at me, 'You're a guest in this man's home.' he told me. So naturally I lowered my wand, looking from Mad-Eye to Sirius.

'I came on time, I'd like to know why I'm here.' I said to him, feeling a bit uncomfortable. It was such a creepy house to begin with, dead animals and house elves lining the walls, cobwebs dripping from every surface. Imagine any childhood nightmare. It was a bit like that. Or a lot, could be. I haven't seen your childhood nightmares. Mad-Eye drags me along like a mad mother with a misbehaving toddler, rushing me through the door Sirius had just walked through. There was a dining room, equally grim and bleak. A long table occupied the middle of the rather large room, at least thirty chairs surrounding it. Biggest table I'd ever seen, actually. I was instructed to sit down at the table where Sirius had also taken a seat, next to someone hiding behind (or innocently reading, possibly) the Daily Prophet's current swill of lies.

'Welcome to the current Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix,' Mad-Eye tells me. 'I'll bet you've heard that name before.' He says. And I had, it was true. My mother had ties to a group by the same name when I was a child. I nodded and allowed him to keep talking without interrupting. 'You have two choices from here. Join us, fight Death Eaters and You-Know-Who, or decline, I erase today from your memory and you go back to your life as it was, never knowing a thing about what is happening here.' Sounded simple at the time, and I won't lie about my spitfire pride. So of course, I accepted. I had to sign a contract with one of those golden quills, the ones that do the same charm as an Unbreakable Vow, swearing that I'd not speak a word of the Order to anyone not involved with said Order. It was so exciting. I sat in fairly frigidity silence as others filed in, filling the unoccupied chairs. Some of these people I knew, if only in passing from the hallways at the Ministry. I felt eyes land on me, as they always do, or did. I believe recently people are used to my hair. None of the staring even bothered me, not anymore. Or at least it didn't until the man behind the paper appeared as the room started to fill.

I'd never met anyone with amber colored eyes before, but I swear to you, his were amber colored, like honey glowing through candlelight. He too, decided to stare. Only it wasn't the judgmental, look down the nose 'behold this child' look I was used to. It was really more of a fascination. I didn't want to look back, to make an idiot of myself, because quite frankly the owner of the set of amber eyes was _gorgeous_ and it made me nervous. There I sat, my normal, confident self ignoring everyone's judgement of my faith in bubblegum pink for my hair. Then the paper was laid on the table, with ginger hands. This man, he had a set of thin, faded scars across his face, the amber eyes I keep telling you about (get used to it, I love them) and this hair that just screamed that he was far FAR more sophisticated and put together than I could ever pretend to be. It was a blond color naturally, peppered here and there with grey that didn't make much since with how young his face was. He noticed that I found him watching me and he smiled. I can't remember another time a gesture like that made my heart jump, if it ever happened. It was like a light switch to his face, that smile. The whole thing shined with it.

I can't actually tell you much about that first meeting after that. Not so much because I had my little fancy making me into a fool. It was more that when Dumbledore came in, he spoke on Cedric Diggory. And as it turned out, I was the only one present that actually knew the boy recently killed by Voldemort. I was a sixth year when he came to Hogwarts, I remember his sorting. He was in my House, a fellow Hufflepuff. I spent two years of school sharing a Common Room with this kid. I didn't know him very well, but I did know him. And now he was dead at seventeen, and Dumbledore didn't spare the details.

It wasn't as if I hadn't dealt with death before. Auror's deal with it all the time, it comes with the job. But he was just a kid. Not even out of school. I'd never known someone so young that had passed, much less been murdered. I felt sick, thinking about it. I hadn't actually seen him after my own graduation, so I suppose part of my problem was in my mind, this kid was still twelve. He was friendly to EVERYONE. He knew everyone's name, always spoke to everyone. They told us he'd planned to train as an Unspeakable for the Ministry, and for no other reason than not being Harry Potter he was killed without a thought. No warning. Dropped like yesterday's rubbish. It still bothers me to think about, when I look at my son. I look at him, and I think of how Cedric's father must have felt, to bury him. Unimaginable.

Apparently this was a kickoff meeting of the newly formed Order of the Phoenix, the death was fresh. Only a week before that night had Cedric been cut down. Only a week since Voldemort had been brought back. But there is no time for proper grieving in war, not really. That's another lesson I learned. You lose people you love, sometimes left and right, but you have to push on when you don't die too. Otherwise you will. It must have been the most obvious thing that it bothered me. When my hair fell in my eyes, it was the same awful shade of natural brown I was born with. Emotional changes still aren't my strong suit. Everyone cleared out and I sat still, feeling a bit sick, as I recall. And the owner of the amber eyes came over and took the chair next to me that Kingsley Shacklebolt, my fellow Auror (and our current Minister!) had been occupying.

'Are you alright, Miss?' he asks me, with this voice that really snaps me out of the daze I'd slipped into. Its somewhere between silk and sandpaper, and I know from those four words that my guesses from his hair and pressed grey Oxford shirt was correct. He's well-educated, sophisticated, and I was so confused as to why he'd care I was upset. I think I nodded, but I can't remember. 'It's Nymphadora, right?' he asks, and for the first time in my entire life, I didn't correct him.

'Yes' I remember saying. 'But most people call me 'Tonks', usually.' And it made him smile. That I remember like it just happened.

'But Nymphadora is so beautiful' he tells me, and I remember thinking that if everyone said it the way he did, maybe I'd agree. I also remember giggling like and absolute knobhead. 'I'm Remus, by the way' he says to me and I shook his hand.

'Wother' I tell him back, before Mad-Eye drags me away again. He was always doing that, really.

'Constant Vigilance!' he'd yell, 'Need to keep you on your toes, girl!' and then he'd shoot a minor hex my way, or drill me on law and procedure, which were things he _never_ followed himself. If I knew then what I know now I may have fought harder to stay at that first meeting. That is how I got involved in that war, that was my first day. The first day of the rest of my one hundred percent very different life. I'm still not sure if it was joining the Order itself or meeting him that spawned it, or meeting Remus. But I'm thankful for it. But now I have lunch to make, so I supposed I'll write in this later. I do feel a bit better. Maybe Harry will use his journal too. He took the war hardest, I think. I'll tell him I feel better, talking to someone or no one on this page. More later I suppose.

_Nymphadora Lupin_


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Remember- Every Saturday! Thanks for the follows, favs and reviews! :)  
>Be sure to review this, let me know how I'm doing with first person writing?!<br>Happy Reading!  
>~DMM<strong>

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><p>The nightmares came back- flashes of green and red and purple... the sound of my Aunt's laughter- I can't stand it. Potions aren't helping. I cracked my poor husband's nose as he tried to comfort me, got blood all over our brand new baby blue sheets. Just my luck, I injure the love of my life and ruin a birthday present. Classic for me, really. For the first six days after writing about the Order I slept more soundly, so I guess I'm going to try and write more about the war and get some proper sleep- I need it with the full moon coming up so soon in just two days. Where did I leave of? Oh. My second meeting with the Order of the Phoenix, that seems about right.<p>

It was a more upbeat meeting, people received assignments for the Order, and though I wasn't given one, I tried to not be too down hearted because several other people didn't receive anything either. Dumbledore spoke, as did Kingsley, and then Arthur gave a report of Death Eater movements among Muggles- minor things compared to what was to come but at the time it seemed horrid. Parents of muggle born children lost their homes and places of business- but just then no one had lost their lives. I remember being so scared then, having no idea about what would happen later on. Anyway- the second meeting was much, much more light hearted, cheery, almost. I caught Remus' eye a time or two and managed to get a smile from him. People joked in small clusters as the assembly broke apart. I felt very awkward, sitting alone for a moment before I decided to take my leave, not knowing what to do with myself with Mad-Eye at work late. He'd asked me to remember everything and tell him the next day at work. I stood up to leave and almost made it to the door when Sirius caught my arm.

'You were just nine years old last time I saw you.' He said with a nostalgic smile. 'I don't guess you remember that. Your hair was green.' He chuckled, and I had to add a laugh to break how awkward I felt.

'I remember' I told him, and vaguely I did. The only member of the black family I was allowed to meet. Oh, how my mother was glad to hear of his innocence. Sirius was the only member of her family that liked my dad, didn't care he was a muggle born.

'Why don't you hang around and grab a butter beer with me?' he said, and I could tell he was lonely. I remember shrugging and following him up the stairs to this dark, creepy, dusty library where there was a few chairs and a liquor cabinet. He took a bottle out, and when he handed it to me I realized that the cabinet was charmed to keep cool. I told him thank you, sat down awkwardly, waited for him to speak.

'I had something I wanted to er- discuss with you.' He says to me, and I knew that he wasn't happy with my. I hadn't know him a week, meet him face to face twice, but here I had apparently screwed up.

'Shoot' I told him, and he took a big pull off his drink and leaned forward form his chair.

'I saw you staring.' he said, and for whatever reason I felt offended, mostly because I had no clue what he meant by that. I have to say, my usual confidence failed in this place. It nearly pained me how 'fish out of water' the who experience was at first.

'Are you saying you're upset I wasn't paying att-'

'At Remus' he interrupted me. I know that they're best friends. My mother told me about him, and James, and Peter Pettigrew. I'd met them all three, at a party my parents gave for some reason or another. I didn't understand the problem. Did he think I was gawking at the scars I wondered...?

'I-'

'There's nothing wrong with him' he snapped at me, like I'd cursed at the man. I remember I felt like I could cry.

'I never said there was' I tried to explain. 'I just... I kinda enjoy looking at him, alright? I think he's handsome.' I hadn't even opened my butter beer, but I left it sitting on the table and walked out, more embarrassed than I had been in a while. I didn't want to hear an answer, I just wanted to leave. It was shocking to me that he'd corner me like that. It was bad enough I'd been so down on myself lately. At that point it had been six months since I'd been on a date, not that anyone asked. I had gotten better at being the freak than being used. May I should pause for a moment, explain that.

My morphing abilities got me plenty of male attention starting at about age fifteen, and though I tried not to give into it, I eventually wanted a boyfriend like all my friends had. It was the first time I morphed to make someone else happy. My first boyfriend, Gavin Parker. Ravenclaw, one year ahead of me. He asked me to be blonde, dark eyes, big boobs, puffy lips. Almost a model from a swimsuit muggle magazine he's shown me. Minor differences. I just wanted him to like me, so I did it. Mostly when we were alone, when he wanted a snog. I didn't realize at the time just how used I was. He was the first of many.

The last guy I'd dated, a tosser working in the Ministry named Phineas, wanted me to be a different woman every time I had sex with him, sometimes changing during the act, which was a unique type of degrading. It didn't last long, just a few months. It was after him that I started to realize the likelihood of anyone wanted me to look like, well, me, was impossible. So I made myself happy, kept my natural face and made my hair as bright and fun as possible. To hell with the rest of them. Maybe I won't give this journal to my kid(s), if I'm going to admit things like that (I really want more, still arguing that point), but anyway! Back to the story. The next meeting I did manage to get an assignment, and I don't know whether or not Sirius was involved, but I was sent out with Remus.

We really didn't have too much to do- go and sit in a pub called 'Elve's End' in Knockturn, shady place. It was so very back alley that I'd never heard of it before. I shifted my face to that of a woman I'd seen in a candy ad, my hair long and light brown. Remus and I both wore hoods, settled in the corner, ordered drinks and watched. It seemed pointless, really. He made polite, idol small talk, and I couldn't help but keep myself quiet. I didn't want to look stupid in front of him, especially since Sirius had probably told him what I had said. We'd been there nearly two hours when a man in a shimmering green cloak came in. Remus' whole body stiffened, his hand going for his wand in the lapel pocket on his robes. The hood didn't come down, but a woman with long, silver hair and a tight black velvet dress came in, her face held like she smelled something foul all the time. She sat beside the cloaked man, neither acknowledging the other. She laid a roll of parchment on the bar, which the man reached over and placed it in his pocket. Before his hand returned to the bagginess of his cloak sleeve, I saw a large golden ring with a family crest on it. It was too far away to make out clearly. Remus leaned close over to me.

'Go wait outside, when she leaves, follow her. I'll follow him.' He told me, and I immediately stood to do as I had been hold, as I had gotten used to with Mad-Eye. Before I got away from the table he grabbed my wrist and I remember being surprised how soft his hands were. 'Be careful, Nymphadora.' he whispered, letting me go. I must have waited in between two buildings waiting for a long time. When she came out I was only able to follow after her for a block or so before she disapperated away and left me feeling a bit disappointed. I turned around to head back to the pub when I saw Remus headed back form the other direction.

'Disapperated quick?' I asked him, figuring the same had happened to him. He nodded. We said our good nights there and left the same way our suspects had. That was the first night I had a dream about him. How soft his hands were... I knew this fancy was getting into dangerous territory. I- Oh bloody hell my son is awake and I hear crashing, I'll write more later I suppose. Thanks for listening, journal.

_Nymphadora Lupin_

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><p><strong>Review please!<strong>


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